Monday monday

I put something bumpy on for the song of the day to make monday a bit easier to swallow.  

Hope everyone is having a good monday!

cheers

Snow... can you believe it .... snow aarrggg!

So it's snowing here in fabulous Minnesota. Minnesota is actually a great place to live for the most part but the winter this year has really been hard.  It hasn't been the cold, Sure it was cold but not super cold, this year it's the length of it. wow it's just not going to give up! The leaves on the cherry tree out front are coming out and it's snowing?!

Here is a link to a local webcam so you can see for yourself. 

http://www.kare11.com/weathr/skycam-viewer.aspx?map=calhouncam.jpg

So, this will make getting out on the bike a bit tough this weekend, rats. I told my coach I wanted to take this last week off to ride with my buddies and sort of take it as it comes. I had been so focused on the race and training for it. I thought it would be good to let my hair down for a week. It has been nice but, I'm getting worried I'm going to start loosing ground if I fuck around for much longer. It's been 2 days since I've been on the bike. I am getting pretty anxious. I get this way if I don't get my riding in. I think I may have a monkey on my back: )

One of the owners of the team was commenting on a ride this week I seem to be having trouble recovering after max efforts.  ummm ya...  that's true

She is a personal trainer in addition to being the co-owner of the team and she knows what she's talking about so. unfortunately I think that means more max effort work for me..ouch. 

Moxy

So I had an interesting run in the other day.  I was coming in from a bike ride when this kid on a mountain bike starts waving me down on the road. So stopped and he was wanted to know where he could find a good road bike. There is a neighborhood bike shop close to my house and the guy that runs it is a super good guy so I told him (the kid) I'd ride over to it with him.

On the ride over he is telling me his story. He wants to ride the MS 150. A regional bike ride to raise money for multiple sclerosis. See he has a bone disease and goes to an occupational therapist for help. his therapist has helped him so much and he is really great-full to her. And you guessed it she ( the occupational therapist) just found out she has MS. So this 17 years old kid with this debilitating bone disorder is going to ride 150 miles in 3 day to help someone else! Bam!  Wow!

So I figure my role in this bit of kismet is to help this kid reach his goals. And so the wheel of compassion turns. I help him, he helps her, and she helps him... I love when you get see light and hope. 

Shots from the race.

Heres a couple of shots to put a face to the whole thing.

The top one is lining up to go, note the shoes on the race director.  : ) That's me on the front corner of the starting grid, in black... fyi

and the second one is after the lead group dropped me and I am fighting it out in the field.

More later......

22nd

I placed 22nd out of 40. 

Did I do well or poorly?  That depends on your perspective.  my team mate won the thing. so obviously  he did great. I am very pleased with how yesterday went. I fought as hard as I could. when i crossed the finish line there was nothing left. So how could i not be pleased. I faced my fears and fought as hard as I could. so I think I did good. 

The race was a fascinating experience. I had never believe myself strong enough to race as a young person who loved cycling. And as I have mentioned I am very interested in confronting the assumption we make for our selves and see what happens. And in this case I found I am strong enough. Strong enough for me, for someone else? that's for them to decide but for me I found I'm just barely strong enough. And I feel damn good to know it. If I had allowed my fear to keep me home. I would still have that assumption in my head that I am too weak to fight. 

courage as it turns out is really really important.

The other assumption, I didn't break. I didn't have a heart attack and die. I placed 22nd and I didn't come away from it demoralized. I pushed to my absolute limit and held it there for an hour and a half and I didn't break.   good to know that too!

Why is all this limit shit important?

How good of a man am I?  What is the limit of my care for my family? How hard can I fight for them? how compassionate can I be? how patient? What is the limit of what I can provide for them? ......  Courage

Not long now

Usually I have some idea what i intend to talk about when I sit down to post something.  Being new to the blogging biz, apparently you have to wing it occasionally. so here we go.

I just got in from a ride that was issued by my coach. short ride with 3,  2 minute max efforts in it. surprisingly unpleasant.

I have a few work things to attend to today. then I'll start getting ready for the race.

I really did think I would be feeling better about this by now... But I am worried I've given up and haven't even gone yet. Rather than live with my fears. So at this point I think more than fitness, or strong legs or a fast bike I need courage. Courage  for what?  what am I so afraid?

failure, At this point we are talking hundreds of hours in training. Ass breaking, pain and sweat to break your will. What if all that pain, counts for nothing. I am afraid it will break me after all that suffering I am no better for it. Courage is needed to face the unknown.. will tomorrow break me, courage, I don't know... courage.

I was thinking of a passage from the book dune while I was out riding this morning.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

cheery huh?

ok well that's enough gloom for today... I have to get ready....  perhaps the preparatory process will help... I sure fucking hope so.

50 % less looney bins

Went to watch some local races last night. Really fun and helped the calming down process a lot.

Not a lot to say today, sort of buried in work so not too much time to contemplate my navel. Which is a good thing. It's nice to concentrate on something other than the race and just do the regular stuff one does.

More later.....

Frantic, tick, tick, tick, tock.

I went over this weekend to preride the race coarse for the race this coming Saturday. I am totally fucked! The route is super hilly... I trudged my way around it and managed to get to the end, but race it...hahahaha... that's a good one.

The picture above shows what the hills are like. I've been spilling my guts here; so I figure I should "share" my panic attack too.

So I have 6 days to convince myself I'm not screwed... wish me luck.

Taking deep breaths

Rainy Ride

A friend took this picture after a ride in a pack, in the rain.  hahaha.

that's what you get for riding someone's wheel in the rain. 

Silly Rabbit

Some kind of monster

Motivation is a funny thing and you find yourself seeking help in funny places. Music as it turns out has been a very useful. in preparation for my race I've been listening to the song above.

Pushing at your limits over and over comes with a certain amount of pain. learning to externalize the pain becomes a necessity. My pain is not me... that sort of thing.

The song above "Some kind of monster" has been for me a battle anthem of sorts. That I must become inhuman. Become a monster, without pain, without compassion. It's a mindset that I Temporarily adopt to do what I need to on the bike.

So for a couple of hours a day I become some kind of monster. weird huh?

song for today

Bicycle racing and shaved legs

So as you may know most bicycle racers shave there legs. Here are the following reasons in order that are most commonly perscribed.

1. If you reck the wounds will heal faster ( probably true)
2. Its aerodynamic (probably so nominal it really doesn't matter)
3. It affects you mental state, your legs look morre muscular and to if affects your perseption  (true)
4. It makes post ride messages more effective( true) 
5. It looks nice. (matter of opinion)
6. It's a badge of honor or symbol that your serious. (this I think is the real reason most people do it.)

So the race is next saturday I have been thinking of whether I should shave my legs or not for about a month. I've been really consternating about it. Am I being a poser? I am waaay to old for this sort of nonsense. Will non biking nutbags think I'm a weirdo?

I decided to go for it! Fuck it! I'm going to be in a bike race, have fun with it ... go for it... so here are the pictures of the gams. Or have I totally lost it? : )

So what the hell does "on the rivet" mean?

On the rivet is a cycling term meaning giving a maximum effort. When a rider is pressing hard they will scoot forward on the seat to press on the peddles with their hips over the peddles. This allows for great pressure on the peddles with high rpm too. It is a method for producing large amounts of sustained power.

In the picture is Floyd Landis from the tour of california. As you can see he is scootched up to the front of the saddle and really pressing. 

So why would I call my blog that?

Prepare yourself for some back story... your need to get anything? water... lunch... now would be a good time.

So I turned 40 a year and a few months ago. Like many I did a bit of life accounting. what am I investing in? what are the returns? And like many I decided to chuck some of the shit that wasn't producing. Additionally investing in some things that were getting very little attention.

At this point I suppose I should be concerned that I may be boring the shit out of my readers. Sense I have none and am not likely to have any, I'm going to ramble on and on as much as I like.

Anyway, I had been a relatively fit person most of my life but starting in late collage. I became very focused on my work and many thing were sacrificed for it. My health being the one. As the stress of work increased healthful life decreased. By my 40th birthday there was a price to pay. So I decided to start paying down my debt. ... to continue with the financial metaphor.

I had been a cyclist as a younger man and so looked to it again as a way to manage stress and improve my health. also on the list were diet, booze(less of it, alot less) and changing my job. so as you can see I've been a busy boy.

I started with the mission to become 10% less shlubby. You ever get tired of feeling like, you look like, shit. I did. 

Ok that will do for back story for now....

So I am currently riding about 10 hours a week and have been since Jan 1 2007.  I reached my 10% goal a while ago and have been pressing on. Why,  you may ask... you made your goal, ease off, and coast, you made it.

Along the way it became necessary to confront some assumptions that I held about myself and I have found the experience very freeing.  I am continuing to confront assumptions and seeing where they lead me. Sometimes it's productive sometimes not, but i think for me... now... the act of confrontation itself propels me. The drive now is to continue to challenge the unknown. 

Which will lead me to the end of this entry... I am going to be racing in a real bicycle race! I have my amateur license and will be competing in a real race... wholly shit! It's next saturday the 19th and I totally terrified! 

But I have decided to start living "on the rivet" so I'm going to the race, and I'll ride like hell. 

Wish me luck I'll need it.

Florida

Florida is mostly for retired people and not being retired they don't really care if i like it there. So there isn't a whole lot to do of interest save go to the beach (which was lovely)and the pool(also lovely). I did get to soak up tons of florida sun and relax. It has been unusually cold this winter in Minnesota and so sun and warm was as much as I needed to be pleased. While we were gone minnesota got pounded with another snow storm and overnight freezes.  I am very happy to have missed out on that one.  

In addition to the beach and pool. we went to Disney World.  I had been very dubious about going to Disney. I am a bit of a cynic as you will find out by the by and thought it would leave me with hives. But as is commonly the case I was wrong. The Disney experience was a resounding success. 

It brought me profound joy to see the hopes of my children come true right in front of them. As you don't know much about me I am an emotional person which is quite a lot of fun, but can be cumbersome at times. Lucky I had brought my dark sun glasses and was free to be get dewy all I wanted. 

There are moments in life where the point of it all seem easy to grasp. This last trip was just such. I am not sure if it is easier to feel connected to why when your a parent or not but it is very clear for me on occasion. Such clarity I think is necessary to spackle over the murky bits. It needs to be potent stuff too, there are far more murky bits than clear ones it would seem. So this will have to sustain me for a while. 

Additional note: Disney's Animal Kingdom was very nicely done and I would recommend it for all the kids.

Welcome

So lets get one thing straight right from the start. 

There is not going to be a central theme or story line to what is going to be posted here.  I will be posting whatever strikes my fancy and I hope you will find some of it interesting. 

I am not going to bore you with an explanation of who I am.

1. Who cares 
   
2. I have no idea what to tell you.

So let just plow right in to the disorganized, nonsense that makes up most of our days.

Oh yea,  welcome to my new blog.

J